Last year I made a resolution to never make another resolution at New Years. It’s too much pressure and it just sets you up to fail because we invariably set goals that are too lofty and unrealistic.  Now, upon reviewing this past year, I realized that while not making any resolutions didn’t cause me any failures, it didn’t exactly put me on the path to success either.

On reflection, it seems I spent a lot of time searching for projects this past year; projects that made me happy (actually others benefited more from my efforts, so they were happier) but nothing that truly brought me satisfaction. I stayed true to my commitment to look after myself. I walk regularly. I returned to yoga, stretchy pants in tow. I maintained a healthy diet, albeit a robust one (portion control is my nemesis) Ok, I gained another 5 pounds….mid-life, menopause and gravity are ganging up on me and it’s totally bitchin’ but I’m trying.

All things considered, it’s been a good year and I have a very good life. My health, my family, my friends – life really is very good. So what’s my problem? I have this feeling that I’m supposed to ‘do’ something, something important. I just don’t know what, so I keep searching. I dabble in the arts to test my creativity. I took a series of art classes, acrylic, and I really stink, but it’s fun. Not so fun for the teacher who often refers to me as her ‘special project’, but I do enjoy the release of the Picasso in me (frankly my 4 year old granddaughter paints better than I do) and I know this is not the special thing I was meant to ‘do’. It’s just filler.

I’ve always wanted to play the guitar and as luck would have it, I have one. My son left an old guitar when he moved out. Could this be a sign? (Actually, I always wanted to be a ballerina but my sturdy European legs couldn’t master a graceful pirouette…the clashing of my thighs sent such a reverberation through my body it was all I could do to land on my feet without crashing to the floor in a quivering heap) I’d still like to learn the guitar but I’ve noticed a shorter attention span with aging and I’m not sure I could tolerate the endless scales. I want to play, now, a song, not just random scales, and I fear the frustration would turn me into one of those face-painted rock stars that smash their instruments on stage. (Can’t you just see the headlines…..”Grandmother goes berserk at church recital sending innocent bystanders fleeing for their lives”) Ok, maybe the guitar lessons can wait.

I wanted to be a better person in society; no judgement, no temper, just tolerance of others lifestyles and personalities, acceptance of others limitations – sounds easy yes? (shouldn’t we all aspire to this?) Well, I think I am a better person. Age has made me more accepting however I could be described as one who is somewhat strong minded (others say I’m opinionated but what do they know) and this was, and is, a challenge for me. There just seems to be an inordinate number of imbeciles in the world and I have a hard time not pointing it out. (Actually, last year I secretly vowed to bite my tongue every time I felt the urge to criticize another but eventually my tongue became so swollen I developed a speech impediment and had to abandon this resolution)

Let’s just say I didn’t exactly conquer the world in 2019 but that doesn’t mean I won’t in 2020. I’m still searching for that one project, that one thing I’m supposed to ‘do’, and I just know I’m close. In the meantime, I’ve decided to take the pressure of setting goals off myself, again. I will ‘do’ something meaningful and regardless of how it will affect the rest of the world, I am confident it will have a profound effect on me, and at the end of the day, that’s all that matters.

Look out 2020, here I come, and I’m gonna ‘do’ something….just watch me!